How To Deal With Anger
It can be overwhelming, but what if anger doesn’t have to control you? Today, let’s explore how to heal anger—not by suppressing it, but by understanding and transforming it into compassion.
Many people wonder how to express anger in a healthy way. Techniques like screaming into a pillow or punching something might seem helpful, but they often feed the emotion rather than resolve it. Instead of venting, let’s focus on practices that help us pause, reflect, and shift our relationship with anger.
When You Feel Angry, Remember These Four Steps
Be like wood: Stay still and neutral—avoid physical or verbal reactions that may escalate the situation.
Seek solitude: Step away from the situation to regain clarity.
Count your breath: Focus on slow, deep breathing. Lie down if possible to help ground yourself.
Observe the anger without judgment: Instead of reacting, simply watch your anger as it arises, like an impartial observer.
One antidote to anger is compassion.
The mind is constantly in a state of push and pull. When we like something, the mind pulls it closer. When we dislike something, the mind pushes it away.
Anger is the ultimate form of rejection.
Compassion works as an antidote, because it teaches us to embrace the object of our anger instead of rejecting it. It helps us see that the person or situation we are angry with doesn’t want to suffer—they, too, want to be happy.
However, because the root of anger is ignorance, the ultimate antidote is wisdom: the wisdom to see things as they truly are, devoid of our projections.
All things are influenced by our perceptions. Mistaking our projections for reality is a form of ignorance. Anger doesn’t come from the outside—it arises from within. When we accept this, we can take full responsibility for how we respond.
Without taking time to reflect on the nature and consequences of anger, it persists. So, let’s take time to reflect.
Six Reflections and Practices to Heal and Mitigate Anger
Express sadness, not anger
Anger is often a masking emotion. Beneath it lies fear, sadness, or vulnerability. Sometimes we choose anger over sadness because it feels safer. After experiencing neglect, abandonment, or abuse, anger may have become a way to protect yourself. But now, it’s okay to feel sadness instead. It’s okay to feel vulnerable.
Name your anger
Sometimes we hide anger under general terms like “childhood trauma.” While trauma may indeed be one of the roots, healing starts with naming anger for what it is. Without acknowledging it directly, it’s impossible to truly address it. Radical honesty is key. You are not your pain or your anger, but ignoring it perpetuates generational patterns. Call your anger by its name.
Understand anger
Anger is a mental formation—the presence of anger creates a disturbance in the mind. This is good news because it means anger can be uprooted. It’s not a permanent part of you. You no longer need to identify with it. Anything that can be observed cannot be you. This means anger is something separate that you can watch mindfully, understand, and eventually release. Observing anger creates space between you and the emotion, allowing healing to begin.
Treat anger like a crying baby
Think of your anger as a baby who is suffering and crying. It doesn’t need punishment—it needs love, attention, and understanding. Even as adults, our inner child is still there, waiting to be seen and cared for. When anger arises, see it as a chance to nurture your inner child and pain body.
Use mindful breathing to cradle the crying baby
When anger arises, your breath becomes a powerful tool. With each deep inhale and exhale, you can hold your anger gently, without judgment. Say to yourself:
- I see you.
- I am here with you.
- You are good enough.
- You are feeling this because you are suffering. This will pass. Mindful breathing is self-compassion in action.
Cultivate patience as the opposite of anger
When anger arises, it’s easy to become frustrated with yourself for feeling it. Instead, practice patience. We often think of patience in terms of time, but patience isn’t just about waiting—it’s about holding space for yourself and others:
- Patience to bear suffering, trusting that this feeling will pass.
- Patience with others, recognizing that the person you’re angry with is also suffering.
- Patience with the process of healing. Life is complex, and so are the tools we use to heal. Trust that you are making progress, even if it feels slow.
Notice the spark before it becomes a fire
In SEE Learning, we talk about emotions as sparks that can turn into forest fires if left unchecked. By the time anger fully erupts, it’s often too late to control it.
Instead, notice the early signs—like unhappiness or irritation—and intervene gently. Ask yourself:
Was I unhappy before I became angry?
Would anger arise if I were in a happy state of mind?
You would never become angry if you were in a happy state of mind. The immediate cause of anger is mental unhappiness. By cultivating joy and staying consistent with personal practices like mindfulness and compassion, we can prevent anger from arising in the first place. Do your best to stay in a state of equanimity and at the first sign of imbalance, find what you need to take care of yourself.
Anger can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to control you.
Compassion, meditation, reflection, attention training, patience, mindfulness, and wisdom provide the tools to embrace anger rather than let it consume you. With practice, you can transform anger into deeper compassion and understanding, cultivating peace within yourself and the world around you.
Take a deep breath—you’re already on your way.
Keep going.
Be wisely kind to yourself
And never give up.